King Charles raises Royal Standard against parliament

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In an unexpected first move as monarch, the newly announced king Charles III has raised the royal standard against parliament today.

Charles, who had been expected to make his role about people eating more tofu, instead immediately mustered the guards regiment and pointed them at Westminster.

The nation is understood to be surprised but not initially unsupportive of the move.

“We thought it might have something to do with parliament usurping those ancient rights and prerogatives of the crown”, said Royal correspondent Simon Prince-Williams.

“But when asked, Charles just asked if we’d seen those talentless arseholes recently and added ’come on, they’re clearly got it coming’, before beheading Nick brown with one sweep of an ancient glaive.”

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Although initially less popular than his mother, some strategists predict the move could boost his standing in key demographics.

“And you know that line in the national anthem about ’rebellious scots to crush?’”, Charles added.

“Once I’m done with this lot we know where she is.”