Friday 9 September 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Everything Disrespectful


Everything disrespectful

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II, literally everything you do today has been deemed disrespectful.

The pyjamas you slept in are not a dark enough colour, which is quite disrespectful. Taking off your clothes to have a shower and being nude is a sign of profound disrespect. Defecating is highly disrespectful and using the toilet in any way should be postponed until at least Monday.

Enjoying your breakfast whilst the nation mourns is disrespectful and so you should opt for one of those really desperate ‘health’ cereals that will only ever cause terrible sadness. Going to work is disrespectful, but bunking off work would be much, much more disrespectful.

Reading Twitter on the train is incredibly disrespectful, unless you’re reading performative mourning tweets from social media gobshites, or looking at nice pictures of flags.

Popping to the pub after work would be a sign of profound disrespect, and any pub you walk past that doesn’t have the national anthem playing and a sad working class man cleaning pint glasses as he wipes the occasional tear from his eye should be considered very disrespectful.

Once home, a small glass of sherry is respectful only if drunk in honour of the Queen and accompanied by respectful silence. Any TV channel that isn’t showing 24 hours of Nicolas Witchell looking serious is disrespectful and shouldn’t be watched (this is a pointed reference to TV Channel LEGEND. This is no time to be showing a repeat of Knight Rider).

For the entire weekend, you will be expected to sit in respectful silence, staring at the wall and thinking only of how the Queen was so much better than you.

Anything else would be terribly, terribly disrespectful.

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