“Meghan did it!” confirms Daily Mail

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Whatever happens to the Queen in the coming hours and days is all the fault of Meghan Markle, according to the Daily Mail today.

As members of the Royal family make their way to the Queen’s bedside in Balmoral, guttersnipe journalists from the Daily Mail are currently brainstorming ways to blame the whole episode on Meghan Markle.

“How did Meghan do it?”, asks one headline being discussed, while another asks “How could Meghan do this to the Queen?” – even though none of them knows what ‘it’ and ‘this’ actually is.

Sources inside the Daily Mail have told us that many plausible reasons to blame Meghan Markle have already been pitched, from Meghan coughing into the Queen’s mouth during her recent visit to the UK, to Meghan’s ego meaning she chose to be an actress instead of going to medical school to cure whatever it is that will result in the Queen’s eventual demise.

“It’s a frenzy in here,” explained Daily Mail’s junior copy editor, Simon Williams, on the understanding we would keep his name out of the article.

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“There is lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth, and intermittent screams of ‘that bitch!’. The Meghan dartboard is in pieces.

“Do we know what’s wrong with the Queen? No, of course not. No one does. But rest assured, that will NOT prevent us from laying the blame for all this at the feet of that family-splitting Harry-ruining cow.”