Keeping the Queen in your prayers is unlikely to do much to help, according to angels this afternoon.
After it was revealed that God has be inundated with prayers for the health of Queen Elizabeth II, members of his inner circle have told us that really old women aren’t that high on his list of priorities.
“We get it, lots of you are praying for her, and we hear you. We just don’t hear you, you know? Look at the world around you – God is happy to sit back and watch millions of children live in poverty, many of whom are literally starving, so do you really think he’s going to be overly concerned about the ongoing health of a 96-year-old millionaire?
“I do feel too many of you have misunderstood how God gets involved in modern society these days. For clarification, He limits his interactions to helping the more devout footballers win matches in the Premier League, and crafting his son’s likeness into slightly overcooked toast.
“So saving 96-year-old monarchs from the inexorable passage of time? Not so much. If she recovers it will have bugger all to do with my boss, trust me.”