Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 14 Pro.

Cook presented Apple’s new flagship mobile device at the launch event held at their HQ near San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous with Apple telling users exactly why their current devices and software were actually rubbish all along.

The new iPhone 14 is seen as the ‘biggest jump’ in making your existing iPhone obsolete since the original device was launched thirteen years ago.

Cook opened the presentation by telling viewers at home that “iPhone 14 does all these really cool things, which you’re old one definitely doesn’t, so you should ditch it immediately.

“Such is the scale of advancements we’ve made, that 2022 Tim Cook would walk up to 2021 Tim Cook holding a bit ‘L’ on his forehead before giving him an atomic wedgie for having such a crappy iphone.

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“Getting our users locked into a two-year contract on a device which is obsolete within a year, is the Apple way, and we’ve really outdone ourselves this time.”

Among the improvements are features that users of phones not made by Apple have benefited from for years, such as a nicer screen, being even more waterproof, and not needing to plug it in every single bloody hour.

Cook added, “With the same all-day battery, our new iPhone 14 users will be able to keep their disinterested friends bored by demoing the new iPhone for hours on end.

“And if you think the 14 is a shit name, wait until you hear about the 14 Pro.”