Monday 5 September 2022

Distraught Rishi Sunak cheers up instantly after brief glance at his bank balance


Rishi Sunak looking at his phone

Defeated Tory leadership candidate Rishi Sunak has improved his mood by glancing briefly at his bank balance.

The distraught former Chancellor found himself defeated by Liz Truss in a vote of the Conservative membership and was left devastated upon realising he will soon drift from the public’s consciousness.

However, an aide immediately brightened his mood by passing him a phone which scanned his face before showing him his bank balance.

“Oh, that’s quite nice. Look at all those lovely zeros,” said Sunak as colleagues gathered to offer their commiserations.

“I’m sorry Rishi, you fought a terrific campaign, and I’m sure you’ll live to fight another day,” said one back-bench colleague, as Sunak began chuckling at the idea he had earned enough interest to buy a new Bentley while he was on his way to the election result this morning.

“You know what, this is fine,” said Sunak to his aide.

“At least I can stop pretending to know how these ‘credit card’ things work, or that I drive a Peugeot.

“It’s actually quite a relief that I can finally stop pretending that I care about the same things as the rest of you. Liz is welcome to you.”

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