Friday 2 September 2022 by Mark Molloy

Just buy 100 new kettles you idiots


Boris advice on kettles

Boris Johnson has solved the cost-of-living crisis for millions of people in Britain worried about their energy bills this winter. 

With the ‘Prime Minister’ yesterday telling people who cannot afford to provide food and warmth for their families this winter to simply buy a new kettle, further advice today to completely solve the problem has been provided by our trusty Prime Minister. 

Speaking earlier he declared, “Buy 100 kettles, and you save £1,000 per year on energy. Simple.

“It’s pretty basic stuff really, you just need to do the maths. If you invest in a new kettle, it could save you up to £10 per year on your £3,564.00 per year energy bills.

“So if you buy 100 new kettles then we are looking at a net saving of up to £1,000 per year on your bills; it’s not exactly rocket science is it?

“I really shouldn’t have to work this out for you to be honest, do I have to do EVERYTHING?

“If people started to actually think outside the box here and come up with some reasonable solutions then I think we can solve this problem quite quickly, and everybody can stop moaning.”

Asked how people could then afford the other £2,500 remaining costs we were told, “New toasters. Hundreds of them.”

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