The outgoing Prime Minister is to receive a knighthood for his excellent work in turning boring work events into debauched piss-ups.
Boris Johnson is proud of the things he has achieved during his premiership.
“One doesn’t wish to blow one’s own trumpet,” said Boris. “One of my mistresses can do that for me.
“However, as my belongings here in Downing Street are packed into crates – crates that I’ve fashioned into little red buses – I can’t help but reflect upon my significant achievements over the last few years.
“Getting Brexit done and ensuring it’s become an incredible success with no loose ends.
“Implementing the perfect pandemic response to ensure almost nobody died.
“Personally developing a Covid vaccine and jabbing the vast majority of the population with my own bare hands.
“Steering the British ship through the rocky seas of the energy crisis so that almost no one has even noticed it’s happening.
“Undoubtedly my greatest achievement though, is transforming the tedious British work event into a raucous party filled with booze, karaoke and more cheese than a Dairylea factory.
“No wonder the happiness index of the British workforce is off the charts – out with the PowerPoint presentations and in with the topless dancing!
“In fact, I have just been informed that I am to be knighted for my services to work events and frankly, nothing would be more appropriate.
“Oh, did I mention the vaccine rollout? That was me too. I’m bloody brilliant!”