Tuesday 30 August 2022 by Chris Ballard

Wetherspoons to tackle spiralling costs by asking bar staff to piss directly into customers’ mouths


pissing the mouths of people at Wetherspoons

As rapidly increasing energy costs put publican businesses at risk, pub chain Wetherspoons is looking for more efficient ways to give punters their pints of piss.

With UK pubs under threat of closure due to uncapped energy prices, sticky hellhole chain Wetherspoons is coming up with innovative cost-cutting measures.

“We’ve already cut back on expensive overheads such as cleaning and staff training,” said Wetherspoons founder Tim Martin. “It’s difficult to know what else we can do.

“But I was visiting one of my branches yesterday and it struck me how expensive dishwashers were. What if there was a way to quench the thirst of our customers without having to use glasses?

“Instead of pissing into receptacles and then serving it to punters, why don’t our bar staff just do it straight into people’s mouths?

“Staff can be forced to constantly drink tap water to ensure a steady supply of our finest beverages.

“I originally envisioned customers kneeling at the bar – a bit like they were taking holy communion – but then I realised that wouldn’t be good for their knees, given their average age. So we’ll probably have to get staff to stand on top of the bar and spray into peoples’s open mouths.

“Of course, we’d need to put additional controls in place – we wouldn’t want customers sneaking off to the loos to urinate into each other’s mouths ‘cos that would cost us valuable revenue. We’ll probably need a strict one in, one out toilet policy. 

“And perhaps there’s a way of plumbing the bogs directly to the bar to generate additional product…

“Anyway, these are details. The important thing is that I’ve found a way to keep giving Wetherspoons customers the ‘beers’ they love.”

In other news, former US President Donald Trump is suddenly planning a trip to the UK.

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