Scott Parker has been sacked as Bournemouth manager this morning, following a statement issued by the club that criticised his sartorial efforts in the first four games of the season.
The club has confirmed that losing to Manchester City, Arsenal and Liverpool in the first four league matches was not, in fact, the grounds for his dismissal. A statement released stated that ‘crimes against fashion’ was the overwhelming factor for Parker’s departure.
A Bournemouth spokesman declared, “We don’t care if it’s his favourite. You do not wear a cashmere cardigan on the touchline in 30-degree heat.
“We let Scott off initially as we thought it was some sort of dare, or an inside joke. But when we realised he chose to wear that hideous thing in public, let alone in boiling conditions whilst at work, we knew we had no choice but to send him – and his cardigan – packing.
“We employ a zero cardigans policy here at Bournemouth, and that goes from the tea lady right up to the manager.
“We are a seaside town, with tourists to attract, we can’t have our manager making it look like you need a cardigan here in August!
“That’s why Sean Dyche will be getting the job, if he’s even heard of us. That man wouldn’t even know what a cardigan is, never mind wear one.”