Tuesday 30 August 2022 by Chris Ballard

Liz Truss advised to not say or do anything until next General Election


Liz Truss to say nothing

Idiot Liz Truss has been told by her advisers to sit on her hands and not let any words out of her mouth until 2024, lest the Conservatives be thrown out of power for generations.

Liz Truss has pulled out of a BBC interview with Nick Robinson as part of a strategy to prevent anyone hearing or seeing her. Simon Williams, one of Ms Truss’ advisers, explained the new approach.

“Now that the leadership contest is basically in the bag, it’s time to turn our attention to Liz’s popularity among the wider electorate,” said Simon. “And unfortunately, dressing up as Margaret Thatcher and talking bollocks will only get her so far with the people who don’t love Margaret Thatcher.

“Left to her own devices, she’ll be a disaster. By the end of her first day, after various world leaders have phoned her to say congratulations as diplomatic protocol dictates, our models predict that we’ll be at war with approximately 82% of the planet.

“Similarly, if we actually let her make decisions then the UK is forecast to be a post-apocalyptic wasteland by bonfire night.

“The only hope the Tories would have of winning the next election is if the catastrophic death rate is significantly higher among Labour voters.

“However, the solution is simple. We’re fairly confident here at ‘Team Truss’ that she’ll be an absolutely fine Prime Minister if she doesn’t talk to anyone or act upon any of the stupid ideas that float around in gaping void where her brain should be.

“We suggested she use the tried and tested method of just hiding in a fridge, but she wanted to ‘put her own stamp on things’. Which is fair enough I suppose.

“After a lot of brainstorming, she finally settled on an ottoman as her refuge of choice, mainly because she likes the idea of having a big empire.

“Don’t worry – we’ll put a padlock on it, just in case.”

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