Friday 26 August 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Rishi Sunak: “F**k it, make me PM and I’ll invade France”


Rishi Sunak to invade France

Following Liz Truss’s comments yesterday stating that she was unsure if President Macron was an ally or not, Rishi Sunak has raised the stakes further by pledging to invade France.

“Liz is unsure if France is our ally or not? I’m bloody not. Pack of shits, the lot of them,” said the former Chancellor.

“Macron? Probably a paedo. Marie Curie? Right old cow. Claude Monet? Total hack. Napoleon? Jumped up shortarse. F**k it, I become PM, then I’ll invade France.”

Throughout the campaign, Sunak has had difficulty adjusting his rhetoric to appeal to the Tory Party membership who appear to fall somewhere on the spectrum of dangerously unhinged to batshit crazy. However, on this issue he appears to be more on the front foot, and the membership is responding well to his comments.

“Jolly good attitude for a darkie,” said 109-year-old Simon St John-Williams, a Tory Party member and ex-slaver who owns Norfolk.

“Boris seemed like a good egg, but the further along we went it became clear he was never going to invade France. Good to finally have someone having the gumption to stand up and say that, once and for all, the only proper way to deal with France is to invade.

“Once the whole place becomes an extension of Essex we can knock those beret-wearing, pot-smoking homosexuals into shape.”

Buoyed by support for his comments, it is thought Sunak will announce plans to reintroduce conscription, rationing, and be in Berlin by Christmas.

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