After the alarming prediction that inflation could reach a staggering 18% next year, apparent Prime Minister Boris Johnson has finally broken his silence on the cost of living crisis to reassure a worried nation that he’ll probably be fine.
“I know people are increasingly worried about inflation spiralling out of control,” he said, over a zoom link from a beach as he drank a brightly coloured drink with a little umbrella in it.
“So, I want to take this opportunity to reassure you all that I should be fine. There are loads of terrible corporations that can always use a veneer of respectability by appointing an ex-Prime Minister to their boards.
“If not, I can put the gold wallpaper on eBay. I can finish that biography of Shakespeare. Shouldn’t take long, there’s loads of information on Wikipedia.
“If all else fails, I’ll probably bang out a regular column in the Telegraph or Mail about how everything is too woke these days, there’s always money in that.
“Basically, you don’t have to worry, no matter how bad things get and, blimey, I think they’re going to get pretty grim. But no matter how bad they do get, I’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
At this point, Mr Johnson was forced to end the call as there was a conga line forming and he didn’t want to miss out.