The publication of the finest poem ever written has brought this year’s Nobel Prize discussions to an unexpectedly early close.
“Usually we talk for months amongst ourselves before deciding on a winner,” said Simon Williams, the chair of the Nobel literature panel.
“But the utter genius of ‘My Darling Kate’ by Ryan Giggs couldn’t be ignored. As Mr Giggs himself might put it, if I may take the liberty of paraphrasing his magnum opus, our decision was ‘unequivocal’.”
My Darling Kate has attracted critical plaudits for its startlingly original blend of tonal registers, its orthographical innovations (evoking mid-period E. E. Cummings) and the power of its raw, human emotions.
“Frankly,” said Mr Williams, “it was love at first sight when I first read the poem. I was high as a kite.”
Mr Williams did not confirm rumours that he was also ‘hard as a totem pole’, but this is widely thought to have been the case.
Despite the lambent, mercurial qualities of Mr Giggs’s masterpiece, the Nobel panel’s unusually rapid decision has not been universally welcomed.
“There were other candidates, of course,” admitted Mr Williams.
“Margaret Atwood’s not going to go on forever, and Salman Rushdie’s selfless devotion to our artistic and intellectual freedoms needs to be recognised more urgently than ever.
“But neither of them has encapsulated the nature of human experience quite as movingly and truthfully as Mr Giggs did when he wrote, ‘You make me feel funny down there’.
“For my money, that’s the best line in the whole thing. So fuck them.”
Mr Giggs is expected to collect his award in Stockholm in December, or otherwise whenever he is next available after that.