Scientists have been urged to put their brainpower to something more critical than the long-term survival of the human race and to solve the mystery of the pillow that won’t stay cool during the night.
As teams of experts around the world spend billions on research that will one day help humans explore the stars, those who’ve endured three boiling hot nights in a row have insisted such projects “can wait”.
Simon Williams told us, “Last night was ridiculous. The pillow stayed cool for about thirty seconds before I had to turn it over, then the other side stayed cool for only twenty-five seconds, and so on. Within twenty minutes the pillow was boiling regardless of what side I used. That’s not how pillows are supposed to work.
“How can it be that we can put a man on the moon and send a robot to Mars, but we can’t create a pillow capable of giving the user a few minutes of blessed cool relief during a hot stuffy night?”
Simon’s wife Sharon told us, “If they could find a way to stop Simon acting like a fucking oversized radiator in the bed, that would also be great.
“The pillow is the least of my worries while he’s lying there with heat just oozing out of him. No, I’m not a scientist, but heat definitely ‘oozes’.”
We put the Williams’ concerns to one of the scientists working on a potential long-term Martian habitat, and they told us to pass on a message that read: “Invest in air-conditioning you tight bastards.”