Friday 5 August 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Cost of living crisis: Tories recommend having vast, inherited fortune


Nadhim Zahawi cost of living crisis

The government has sought to calm fears over the increasingly desperate cost of living crisis by offering advice to have a vast, inherited fortune to ride out the dramatic inflation/recession expected over the coming year.

“These will be difficult times ahead, for many reasons, several of which are not our fault,” explained Chancellor Nadhim Zahawi as he sipped a brightly coloured drink with a little umbrella in it whilst lying on a sun-lounger somewhere tropical.

“This government will not sit back and allow people to suffer as the economy crashes so we are recommending that, with immediate effect, everyone has a vast, inherited fortune to rely on.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg who, for some reason, is still relevant to people’s lives, agreed.

“I’ve always had a vast, inherited fortune and it’s certainly proven to be very helpful indeed. If one were to look at the absolute fucking state of me, I think one would be forced to agree that without a vast inherited fortune, I would never have reached such a rarefied position in life.”

Simon Williams, an unemployed swimsuit model from Chelmsford, Essex, was relieved.

“Thank heaven for that. I was really worried for a moment that the government didn’t have a coherent plan for this latest crisis. I assume they’ll release instructions on how to have a vast, inherited fortune soon?”

However, Boris Johnson, who is on holiday, presumably at some oligarch’s private villa, confirmed that that the government would be taking no further action.

“We have offered the advice to have a vast, inherited fortune. I don’t think it’s up to the government to explain how to achieve that. God, you people don’t want to do anything yourself, do you?”

“Never has so little, been done for so many, by so few”

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