‘We have to keep petrol prices this high or our quarterly profits could drop below $5bn’ insists BP

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BP has insisted today that they have no option but to pass on the increased cost of gas and oil to customers, otherwise they would be in danger of making less than $10bn for the half-year. 

With news emerging today of further record profits for another major oil company, amid rising energy bills for customers, bosses have looked to defend their position today by insisting that prices have to rise, so that they can make more money.

A spokesperson for BP confirmed, “It’s tough times out there. We barely scraped past $5bn profit for this last quarter.

“That was until we decided to put up the price of oil and gas for all of our customers because of the Russians acting up in Ukraine which is making everything more expensive for us.

“That way, we could pass the price increase on to someone else who has no choice but to buy it, and add a tincy-wincy bit more on top too, just to bump up our profits to a tidy $8.45bn for this quarter.

“Otherwise we might have had to settle for a poxy three or four billion quarterly profit instead, and nobody want’s those sort of number on their profit and loss account, do they? 

“Obviously it would have been great to round that figure up to a nice ten billion profit so it was easier to work out our dividends.

“But we’ve still got the October increases to come, and without wanting to sound too optimistic… I think we might do quite well in Q3.”