England women’s manager Sarina Wiegman has been approached about the possibility of taking over the management of Brexit, after demonstrating an uncanny ability to take perennial losers and turn them into glorious victors.
After masterminding a 2-1 Euros final victory against a Germany team that has won eight of the last eleven tournaments, government insiders have been left wondering if the Dutch native would be interested in helping them out in gaining the upper hand against a bunch of talented Europeans.
CCHQ strategist Simon Williams told us, “There is no hope, everyone knows we’re going to keep losing, and it doesn’t matter what we do from this point on, it’s going to end in misery for everyone who cares.
“We are outmatched in every single position and our obvious weaknesses are being exploited by the other side who keep hammering home their advantage. It would even help if she could maybe just stop us scoring so many own goals.
“Honestly, we need a miracle, but that sort of thing doesn’t seem to bother Sarina.
“So we see no reason why she can’t take over and secure an unlikely victory for the government, even though all the commentators are confident we will continue getting our arses handed to us by our better prepared European opponents.”
Wiegman herself took time out from celebrating the Euros victory with her players at Wembley to tell the government, “No thanks, I’m not interested.
“Mainly because no one can ‘win’ at Brexit, but also because I’m not a fucking idiot.”