Labour Shadow Minister sacked for admitting he is left-handed

author avatar by 1 year ago

Keir Starmer’s ongoing campaign to make Labour palatable to Daily Mail reading headcases who thinks he’s a bolshevik, has caused more furore after an MP got removed from the frontbench for telling journalists he struggled to use a tin opener.

However, Labour HQ explained that Simon Williams lost his role as Shadow Sports Minister for brazenly using words that might frighten rabid right-wingers who only ever strayed from the tories by voting UKIP, as explained Keir Starmer’s spokesperson, Amanda Tinnock.

She went on, “I know some disgruntled Corbynites might say this is an utterly pointless own goal as no potential Labour voter would be shocked to associate our party with the word ‘left’, but we must play as a team and accept the rules Keir set for us.

“As it is, we demand our MPs to avoid mentioning any fondness for anything left, stay away from unions and fervently deny they ever read The Road To Wigan Pier.

“We’re not going to repeat the mistakes of the past by having policies or ideologies. As such, it’s absolutely vital we do nothing to please our core voter base, be they old school union members in the heartlands, or urban Remainers hoping we’ll take them back into the Single Market.

“Instead we want to charm golf-playing retirees in Surrey who readily believe poorly-written Facebook posts telling them Angela Rayner is a colonel in Venezuelan Intelligence.

“After all, if we don’t give the right-wing media ammunition to paint us as commies, then their ironclad code of ethics will prevent them from just making bullshit up. It’s a foolproof plan!

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to organise a webinar on how to pretend to be sexually aroused by Union Jacks.”