Catch the Giant Egg: Nadine Dorries’ guide to Commonwealth Games events

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The Secretary of State for running, jumping and ball games talks through her favourite events in the Commonwealth Games.

Nadine Dorries is thrilled that the 2022 Commonwealth Games is putting Birmingham on the map.

As Ordnance Survey cartographers scramble to update the UK atlas, the humanoid strawberry daiquiri slurred her way through her favourite events.

Catch the Giant Egg

“I love this one. There are seven big, burly men on each side and they have to throw a giant egg around without breaking it. They also sniff each other’s bums, presumably to identify who’s a teammate and who’s on the other side. It’s powerful stuff.”

Guard the Sticks

“People have to defend some sticks while their opponents try to kill the sticks with a really hard ball. It’s fun to watch but I’m not really sure what the sticks have done to deserve an assassination attempt. Still, it’s the perfect sport to drink to.”

Last Orders At the Bar 

“I assume that’s what it’s called – I mean, why else would all those people be running so quickly?”

Shepherd Football

“This is an interesting one. It’s like football but it’s played by shepherds, and instead of footing the ball they hit it with their curvy stick things. I’m not sure where the sheepdogs are – substitutes, I guess.”

Rolling the ball straight

“I can really empathise with the competitors in this one. They have to roll this funny shaped ball straight along the grass, but it always ends up veering one way or the other before toppling over completely before it gets to the end. It reminds me of my walk to the bar at the last garden party I attended.”

Muscular Young Men in Very Tight Trousers Jump on Things

“This is probably my favourite. Sweaty guys with powerful arms and impressive bulges in their pants grab and heave and thrust and pounce and they have extremely firm buttocks and impressive bulges in their pants. It’s what sport is all about.”