Wednesday 27 July 2022

‘Yeah but Ronaldo would have backheeled it into the top corner’ and other ways this idiot is pretending the Lionesses aren’t brilliant


Alessia Russo for England

After England’s women’s team secured their place in the final of Euro 2022 with a 4-0 win over Sweden that included an outrageous back-heel goal by Alessia Russo that should definitely be on the Puskás Award shortlist, morons everywhere have been scrambling to insist how much better the men’s game is.

England will face either France or Germany in Sunday’s final, giving the women’s team an opportunity to go one further than their male counterparts in securing a major international football title in this millennium.

However, not everyone has been impressed by the Lionesses progress so far, including Birmingham City fan Simon Williams, who gave us his top reasons why he continues to insist that the women’s game isn’t as good as the men’s.

He explained, “It’s not me being sexist; it’s just not as good as the men’s game. I like women, well, the ones that will talk to me, but there are loads of reasons why women’s football isn’t very good.

“1. Women are smaller than men, which means it’s much easier to score against women goalies, so obviously they will score more goals to give the impression it is entertaining.

“2. Yeah, a backheel goal that nutmegs a goalkeeper looks good at first glance, but Ronaldo would have backheeled it into the top corner, which is objectively better.

“3. The replica tops from the women’s game don’t fit well at all. Trust me, I’ve tried.

“4. Women aren’t as big and strong as men, which means they simply can’t be as good at football. It’s just physics. Look at those muscle mountains Lionel Messi and Raheem Sterling as examples of what real footballers should look like.

“5. The crowd noise is too high-pitched. Football should be enjoyed to the background noise of gruff men hurling foul-mouthed abuse and questioning the parenthood of the officials.

“6. Ponytails. Proper footballers don’t have ponytails. Yes, apart from Roberto Baggio. And Emmanuel Petit. And David Beckham. And Zlatan Ibrahimovic. And Ronaldinho. And David Seaman. And Rafael Marquez. And Andy Carroll. You get my point.”

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