Liz Truss preparing to tour country wearing variety of stupid costumes

author avatar by 2 years ago

The Foreign Secretary is busy creating a hustings costume schedule that’s both idiotic and, where possible, offensive.

We’re down to the final two in the race to be the next terrible British Prime Minister. Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss will spend the summer travelling the nation, debating in front of the rich, white people who actually get to vote.

Ms Truss is obviously putting more thought into one element of these debates than any other – what she’s going to wear in each region. She talked us through some of the highlights.

Cardiff
“This is my chance to don traditional Welsh costume and cosplay as a 19th century rural woman. I tried it on for Jacob and he got all hot and bothered! I think it was the shawl.”

Eastbourne
“Gonna dress up as an oldie – pink cardigan, Zimmer frame, blue rinse… I’ll definitely bring the house down when I piss myself during one of Rishi’s boring monologues about the economy!”

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Cheltenham
“With its rich heritage of shooting horses, I’ll go to Cheltenham dressed as the front half of a pantomime horse. I’ll need to find a volunteer to bring up the rear – I’m sure Nadine will do it if I let her take a couple of bottles in.”

Perth
“I’ll definitely wear one of those funny hats with the dangling corks. ‘Good day my sport!’ What’s that? Oh, well in that case, a tartan hat with dangling corks. ‘Good day McSport! Top of the morning to you.’”

Belfast
“As Foreign Secretary, I’m well aware that you need to be extremely sensitive to the political situation in Northern Ireland. So I’ll probably keep this one simple – a black terrorist balaclava with ‘Liz’ written on the forehead in white.”

Manchester
“I’m going to don a bucket hat, round coloured sunglasses, and will debate with my hands behind my back while smoking. That’s right – I’m ironically cosplaying as Angela Rayner.”

London
“British beef is the best in the world (pause for applause). Sometimes British businesses use beef from other countries. That. Is. A. Disgrace (pause for applause). I’ll be wearing a beefeater costume (pause for applause. Keep waiting. Keep waiting – they’ll clap eventually because they feel awkward. There it is).”