Conservative MPs have taken the unexpected step of rooting for a Labour victory at the next election, it has emerged this afternoon.
Given a clear chance of offering voters recognisably human candidates with some likeable traits, the parliamentary party instead decided to stuff one or another unlikable weirdo down the electorate’s throats.
“We’ve quite the history of unlikable weirdoes leading the party, and its always gone down a zinger with voters,” said Kettering North MP Simon Williams.
“Michael Howard, Ian Duncan Smith. Smug tosspots who clearly didn’t give a shit whether you lived or died. Voters loved that and duly rewarded us at the ballot box.
“Well, here we go again. An active tax dodger who you can see is calculating how much your kidneys are worth as he looks at you, or a Margaret Thatcher cosplayer who was once outsmarted by a hamster.
“We considered one of the almost normal ones for a bit, just to give you some false hope, but in the end we decided we’d just let Kier Starmer win next time rather than make any concessions to the actual electorate.”