Thatcher wannabe Liz Truss has been attempting to emulate the former PM’s sleeping habits with the result that she’s now completely brain-dead.
Anyone who’s been following Liz Truss’ Tory leadership campaign will have noticed that she’s an incoherent, rambling zombie. But is there a particular reason for her idiocy?
“Her Thatcher obsession is getting out of hand,” explained Ms Truss’ aide, Simon Williams.
“For the past few years, she’s only been sleeping for four hours a night. She’s really tired. Like, totally fucking exhausted. Her mental faculties are totally shot. But she refuses to have even just an extra little power nap because she thinks it’s a sign of weakness.”
“Nonsense!” said Liz Truss, addressing a press conference while wearing a dressing gown and slippers.
“I am the person in this race with the record of delivery,” she continued, as Simon and her other aides frantically leafed through piles of notes, wondering to what the hell this sleep-deprived fantasist could be referring.
“I have a clear vision for our country,” was Truss’ next meaningless catchphrase. At this point she attempted to pick up a glass of water.
Her aim unsteady, she knocked it onto the floor where it smashed.
A replacement was put on her podium. Having another go, she accidentally grabbed the microphone and proceeded to fellate it, an extremely confused expression on her face at the lack of water in her mouth.
When an aide finally placed the glass directly into her hand, she poured the entire contents straight into her eye.
“You have to walk the walk,” was her closing statement. She then wandered around for half an hour trying to find the door, her face becoming increasingly bruised and bloody as she kept trying to walk through walls.
“It’s a real shame she’s let herself get like this,” said Simon. “She was such a sharp cookie before this silly sleep thing started.
“Still, if she becomes PM I’m sure she’ll be jolted wide awake by the responsibility of having access to the nuclear codes.”