A modern two-bedroom semi-detached home that was designed to minimise heating costs by optimising its ability to retain any heat inside the building is working perfectly, according to owner, Simon Williams.
Williams is currently sweltering in the coolest room in his house, the downstairs lounge, which is a tepid 28 degrees at the time of writing.
“This house is a feat of modern engineering. Every possible method of retaining heat was used in its construction, and I have to say it retains heat like a goddam motherfucker.
“It’s so well insulated that it admittedly takes a while for the heat from outside to get in – but once it’s in. It’s IN. For good.
“I have opened every window, but without any wind to circulate the air the house just continues clinging to that heat, like the ruthlessly efficient hot box bastard that it is.
“I really should congratulate the generations of engineers who have contributed improvements along the way to creating this modern marvel of heat retention. If I didn’t think the exertion would make the sweat literally pour down into my arse crack I would happily shake them by the hand.”
Williams said that he expects his house remain unbearable until at least Thursday, but that there were benefits to a home being efficient at retaining heat.
He went on, “When the winter comes along and everyone is complaining about the cost of heating their home, that’s when this place comes into its own. I’ll be laughing then. Assuming I live that long, obviously.”