A pigeon is today crossing its legs in a desperate attempt to hold in a bowel movement until that man on his drive has finished polishing his car.
Simon Williams, 42, is lovingly applying a second coat of wax to his pride and joy, a two-year-old 4 series BMW in Cobalt blue, and the pigeon is hoping he hurries up about it.
“Honestly, I’m absolutely bursting,” explained the pigeon.
“As I’m a bird, I don’t have a separate bladder and bowel, it all goes into a small sack just behind my cloaca – and boy is my sack fit to burst right now.
“But I simply can not waste this one. It’s going to be huge. It’s going to look like a child dropped its triple-scoop ice-cream. This will be a bowel movement for the ages. They will tell takes of this watery turd long after I’m gone – which is why I’m waiting to ensure it has maximum impact.
“I’m a pretty good shot, so I can hit whatever I want from about thirty feet up. I once landed one in a woman’s handbag from 50 feet up. Now it’s just a case of hitting a car? A piece of piss. Well, piss mixed with shit.
“I’m thinking right in the centre of the bonnet? If I can get enough speed up before my bombing run I can probably pebble-dash a bit of the windscreen too. That would be nice
“Oh look, he’s finished. Look at him there, standing back and smiling at his work. Oh, great, he’s taking a photo of it. Lovely. Right, off I go!”
At the time of writing, Williams was still trying to stifle his anguished screams.