Nadine Dorries accidentally buys “Ron’s Bargain Motors” after submitting dealership bid

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D-List front-bencher and Z-List human being Nadine Dorries is the new owner of a failing second-hand car franchise in Chingford after a failed attempt to enter the race to replace Boris Johnson as next Tory leader. 

Pledging to keep the ousted former leader’s flame alive, Dorries revealed that she will rename it “Boris’ Car Lot” and that it will adhere to the same values he displayed in government. 

“We take any clapped-out, broken-down, second-hand tat that we can get, tell the customer it’s amazing, and unbelievably, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, they will buy it,” said Dorries, swaying from side to side.

“No, of course they don’t get to test drive it first. We sell dreams, not reality.

“We do get complaints, but we simply blame the person who sold it to us, so in a way, we’re both the victim here.

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“The people who buy from us are gullible misanthropic bigots, so by inferring that the previous owner of their new vehicle was an immigrant or transgender, they storm out, furious and empty-handed, and attack them instead. It works like a charm, every time!”

Asked if her attempt to become prime minister was credible, Dorries angrily slurred, “I trust the wise people of this country to make good decisions, and my success is evidence of that.

“Why else would I have been appointed Culture Minister?”

Dorries, the inexplicably best-selling ‘author’ who shot to fame after eating an ostrich’s anus for the entertainment of 10 million slack-jawed UK viewers, stated that she had all of the requisite qualifications for prime minister: monumental hubris, no capacity for shame, and a long record of being on the wrong side of history.

“Most people won’t even notice the difference,” she laughed, pouring another G&T and gazing longingly at a photo of the tousle-haired embarrassment to UK politics currently squatting in 10 Downing Street. 

Dorries is understood not to be the only potential leader to have misunderstood the application process, after Suella Braverman vomited into a sombrero and announced that she was throwing her ring into a hat.