Priti Patel has launched her campaign to become the next leader of the Conservative Party by leaving an unmarked video cassette in an isolated woodland cabin to be found by unwary campers.
Patel, who has spent the last three years as Home Secretary, is understood to have been the final straw in convincing Boris Johnson to resign as Prime Minister when she rang and croaked ‘seven days’ down the phone at him.
In the video announcing her candidacy, Patel talks about an early life of hardship at the bottom of a well which she dragged herself out of by her fingernails before staggering with a jittery, uncertain step across a leaf-strewn forest floor.
The video concludes as Patel slithers through the screen and hauls herself across your floor in order to check your immigration and employment status.
“It’s a strong effort, and certainly more likely to appeal to the average Conservative party member than anything produced by Liz Truss or Tom Tugendhat,” said political correspondent Simon Williams.
“It places her as a candidate with strong beliefs, motivations, and a morbid aura of the eternally damned which will appeal to voters in the true-blue heartlands.
“Realistically, only Grant Schapps’ pledge to pursue teenage miscreants though a boiler room in their dreams is likely to resonate more strongly with the law and order vote.”