Ten Shades of Shit. The official NewsThump guide to the Tory leadership candidates

author avatar by 2 years ago

Like a drunken game of Would You Rather that should have stopped once licking tramp pus was mentioned, the Tory leadership contest brings forth a parade of terrible options from which to choose from.

Below you will find the NewsThump guide to the leading candidates to become the next worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had.

Ben Wallace: The Quiet Man. A former soldier trying very hard to sound like the last sane person in the bunker. Has less doorstep recognition than a local councillor. 

Rishi Sunak: Popular with the eurosceptic base but his candidacy raises tricky constitutional questions as, for fiscal purposes, he has declared himself to be a Luxembourg-based shipping corporation.

Tom Tugendhat: Keeps it together unless you mention the Chinese. His military background will make him popular with the kind of Tory voters who have a favourite WW2 tank. 

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Liz Truss: Talentless dullard. Indistinguishable from Suella Braverman.

Suella Braverman: See above.

Sajid Javid: Arrogant enough to have given himself a nickname, the former banker’s trump card is having been Health Secretary and therefore knows which MPs got their brother-in-law to hastily set-up a PPE import company from which embezzle millions in government funds.

Nadhim Zahawi: So disloyal he betrayed Boris Johnson less than 24 hours after being promoted, and so slimy that he had his finances investigated by the National Crime Agency, so he actually has the perfect psychological profile to win the Tory leadership.

Jeremy Hunt: For the nostalgics who yearn for a Tory cunt of yesteryear.

Penny Mordaunt: Toxic masculinity in a skirt. Spent last year getting worthless MOUs from US backwater shitholes like Indiana so she can claim Brexitland is making trade deals. Hates Turks. Strong favourite.

Boris Johnson: Just because your pee stopped burning doesn’t mean you’re cured.