Friday 8 July 2022 by Chris Ballard

Boris eyes lucrative new career as after dinner liar


Boris Johnson has new role as an after dinner liar

When he leaves Downing Street, Boris Johnson will take his extensive experience of public lying to the after dinner circuit.

The wine bottles are empty, the cheese and biscuits have been reduced to crumbs. All that remains is for a big fat bastard to stand up and spew bullshit all over your face.

Enter ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Speaking frankly, this leadership contest can’t come quickly enough,” said Boris.

“Apparently, there’s loads of money to be made lying to complete strangers who’ve just eaten a large meal. Well, I’m used to lying to people who can barely afford to eat, so spaffing a load of cock in the direction of the well-fed and contented should be especially easy.

“I can offer a wide range of services. Whether you want thought-provoking lies, poignant lies, humorous lies or even lies in Latin, I’m your man.

“But whatever type of bollocks you’re after, my after dinner nonsense will be sure to entertain.

“I’ll cater to all budgets – from the filthy rich to the merely quite wealthy.

“I’ll even do charity gigs – if the price is right, of course.

“So if you need a few falsehoods to go with your port, don’t hesitate to give me a call – I’m the best bloody liar in the business! And rest assured, if I’m sitting next to your wife I definitely won’t give her a cheeky grope underneath the table.

“You see? I’m a fucking amazing liar!”

Mr Bullshit – the mug that will become a collectors item!

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