Boris Johnson has resigned to spend more time with close family, albeit that of someone else.
After a tumultuous few days which has seen the government haemorrhaging ministers at a world-record-beating rate, the Prime Minister has finally decided to throw in the towel to resume pursuit of his other interests.
“It is with great sadness that I shall be resigning as your beloved Prime Minister,” he told press today.
“I am so immensely proud of the way I navigated the COVID-19 pandemic, leading to only around one hundred and fifty thousand excess deaths, but I am most proud of the way I fulfilled my promise to get Brexit done, and to witness what a resounding success that has been for the country.”
He went on, “But there comes a time in a man’s life when he needs to step down from public office, regardless of the clear love the general public and his colleagues have for him, to spend time with those closest to him, and whichever young bit of crumpet that happens to be showing me attention or offering me IT lessons while swinging round a pole in my general vicinity.”
He concluded, “In addition, this will leave me in a good position to take on the role of ‘world king’, when everyone globally sees sense and creates such a position for me to fill.”
Political commentators aren’t sure whose wife Boris will initially be spending his newly found free time with, but given the recent change to abortion laws on the other side of the pond, the young lady in question isn’t likely to be American, as Boris prefers to have a contingency plan in place.