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A tumultuous morning of departures and Cabinet reshuffles saw die-hard Johnson loyalist Nadine Dorries rewarded with the high profile position of Number 10 resident feline after the previous incumbent Larry resigned, citing “moral impossibility of living with that fat shit.”
Although seen by many as a desperate attempt by Boris Johnson to reward his more ardent supporters, the promotion was also lauded by the Tory press as a long overdue recognition of Nadine Dorries’ abilities, as explained Amanda Tinnock of the Daily Telegraph.
She went on, “There is certainly an element of bringing the faithful into the bunker for a last stand, but there is also a certain serendipity in Nadine becoming the nation’s official feline.
“It’s no secret her time at DCMS was troublesome, what with her difficulties in remembering the name of things and her tendency to threaten journalists with genital mutilation while promoting efforts against cyber-bullying.
“But this new post, while a huge step up, is actually quite suited to her temperament. She will have to adapt from being a figure of fun and easy target for lazy satirists, to replacing the most liked inhabitant of Number Ten, but she will probably find the day to day tasks quite easy.
“The role consists of forcing coppers to hold doors open for ages before deciding to stay out, hissing at people who come too close to her food and shitting on the begonias in the garden. Which is basically what she does anyway after Cabinet meetings.”
Although not entitled to a resignation speech in the Commons, Larry the Cat is expected to reveal exactly why he resigned in his forthcoming memoir, He Fucked The Hairdresser.
