Large Hadron Collider reactivated to search for Piers Morgan’s viewing figures

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The world’s most powerful device for finding infinitesimally small things has been switched on to help in the search for the audience for Piers Morgan’s TalkTV show.

Morgan, who began presenting Piers Morgan Uncensored in April, has seen his audience figures fall from ‘small’ to ‘invisible to the naked eye’ in three months – leading to top boffins joining the search for anyone watching.

The Large Hadron Collider accelerates subatomic particles to close to the speed of light before smashing them together in order to find the tiniest objects in all creation, making it ideal for finding the number of people willing to spend their actual time finding out what the beef-faced gobshite has to say now.

“Like the Higgs Boson, which we first identified in 2011, the number of people watching Piers Morgan’s show currently only exists at a theoretical level,” said Professor Simeon Guilliames of CERN in Geneva.

“But with the most advanced scientific equipment the human race has ever conceived, and the expenditure of a huge sum of money – although still less than Murdoch was stupid enough to pay him – we hope to positively identify his audience.

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“It’ll be groundbreaking stuff – this is the closest humanity has ever got to the sucking emptiness of a black hole.”