Tuesday 5 July 2022 by Lucas Wilde

“Full English” legally defined as “at least TWO of everything”


Full English must include two of everything

The government has finally passed a law that everyone can get behind.

From today, restaurants, cafes, vans and even your own mother won’t be allowed to skimp on a fried breakfast and call it a “full English”.

“It’s called a full English because it’s supposed to leave the English FULL,” said Simon Williams, Minister for Grease, to the applause of an unusually receptive crowd.

“I reckon so anyway, which is good enough. ONE sausage, ONE bacon and ONE scrambled egg is of use to nobody, and henceforth anybody calling such an insult a ‘full English’ can face a fine of ten thousand pounds or six months in prison, whichever we’re in the mood for at the time.

“No longer will any of us feel the excitement of knowing a Full English is on the way only to have our dreams crushed with a meal that would barely fill a toddler, and necessitates the purchase of a steak bake on the way home.

“From this day forward, full English MEANS full English!” concluded Williams, to rapturous applause.

“They did it, they finally did it!” declared Mark Scales, a breakfast fan, wiping tears from his eyes.

“You dream of this day, you play it back and forth in your mind, and it’s here. Two of everything! MINIMUM! My children will live in a better world.”

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