All Tory Party ministers are to be sent a letter laying out in no uncertain terms that they are not living in a Carry On film.
The letter comes in the wake of Christopher Pincher drunkenly groping people, Neil Parish looking at tractor porn in the House of Commons, Boris Johnson getting a blow job from his mistress while at work.
“I think we need to face the fact that all we need is Sajid Javid to visit a hospital and exclaim ‘ooh Matron’ and you could be forgiven for thinking we all live in Carry On Tory,” explained a senior party member yesterday.
“As such, we’ll be sending out a letter reminding all ministers that they live in the real world and not a Carry On film.”
The letter will make it clear that Boris Johnson is not Sid James, Michael Gove is not Charles Hawtrey, Dominic Raab is not Bernard Bresslaw, Grant Schapps is not Jim Dale, and Priti Patel is definitely not Joan Simms.
Most importantly, it will reiterate that being a bit of a grubby old pervert could pass for amusing in the sixties and seventies, but it really isn’t appropriate for a government in the 2020s.
“Although, I can’t help wishing we did have the Carry On team in the cabinet,” continued the party member.
“They’re a damn sight more likeable, and I wouldn’t be terribly surprised to find them considerably more competent as well.”