Beleaguered half-wit Boris Johnson has responded to last night’s poor by-election results in Wakefield and Tiverton and Honiton by claiming that he never liked them anyway and that they’re rubbish.
“Why would I even want those constituencies anyway,” he scoffed.
“They’re rubbish and I hate them. They smell, and they’re full of weird looking people who speak funny. I never liked them, Labour and the Liberal Democrats are welcome to them. If anything, I’m the real winner here for being able to get rid of them.”
Tory commentators were quick to agree.
“Who’s ever even heard of Wakefield anyway?” said Simon Williams, a man whose job appears to be tweeting about how brilliant the Tories are.
“I haven’t. No one has. The same with Tiverton and whatever. They’re just rubbish places that no one cares about. I certainly don’t want them and neither does Boris and this Government and that’s correct.”
Boris then went on to explain that it was now time to move on from the evening’s events.
As he sat in a room that was clearly on fire, the Prime Minister insisted that “we can now draw a line under these by-elections and get on with running the country.”