The Government has made a dramatic, last-minute offer of a weekly ‘clap for rail workers’ in an attempt to prevent the week-long rail strike set to cripple the country.
The offer is that, instead of any tangible increase in pay and benefits, once a week, everyone in the country goes out on their doorsteps and claps for several minutes to show how much they appreciate train drivers and rail workers.
“We simply do not have the money to offer any public sector pay rises,” said Prime Minister Boris Johnson, whose government is planning to incinerate 817 million items of useless PPE that it paid £4 billion to its friends for.
“However, I think that everyone knows that it is much better to receive a real and heartfelt appreciation from people than it is to receive some sort of crude and graceless ‘bung’ of pay increases.
“I recognise that the cost-of-living crisis, which is probably Jeremy Corbyn’s fault, will affect many of us this year. So, I’m sure that rail workers will take great comfort, as they explain to their kids that Santa Claus hasn’t been able to make as many toys as normal this year, in the sound of applause ringing out around the country.”
Mr Johnson also revealed that he has plans to fend off potential industrial action from the NUT.
“Clap for teachers?”