Monday 20 June 2022 by Lucas Wilde

“WHAT SCANDAL?” asks Boris-friendly Times newspaper, over the roar of the shredders


Paper Shredder with Times story

One of the scoops of the year seems to have mysteriously disappeared from The Times this morning.

Early prints of the newspaper were carrying a sensational story suggesting that Boris Johnson (then Foreign Secretary, and now Prime Minister) wanted to give Carrie Symonds (then his side-piece, and now wife) a £100,000-a-year role in the foreign office in 2018, back when the blonde bastard (Boris, not Carrie), was still only dreaming of Downing Street.

However, the editions of The Times that you will find in your local outlet this morning do not carry the story.

“HOW MYSTERIOUS!” bellowed Times sub-editior, Simon Williams, over the roar of an industrial shredder, cracking through another thousand first prints of the paper.

“I MUST SAY I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE STORY OF CARRIE JOHNSON, THEN SYMONDS, BEING OFFERED A ROLE AS CHIEF OF STAFF FOR THE THE FOREIGN OFFICE, BEFORE IT WAS QUASHED BY THE ETHICS STAFF, AND WE CERTAINLY DIDN’T CONFIRM IT WITH FOUR OF BORIS JOHNSON’S ALLIES!

“IT MUST BE QUITE THE IMAGINATION YOU HAVE THERE!”

Foreign office spokesperson, Hayley Rice, sighed, “Yes of course that happened.

“All of us wondered why this woman was being offered the role, then someone caught her in the broom cupboard with Boris and it made sense immediately.

“One can only hope this isn’t how Boris picks all of his closest staff members; I shudder at the thought of him and Dominic Cummings doing the no-pants dance.”

Mr Bullshit – get the Boris Mr Men style T-shirt and mug here!

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