Tory minister insists asylum seekers should welcome new life of freedom on board stationary plane

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A leading Tory has suggested that the Government’s new plan for managing asylum seekers is going very well and that the people who’ve fled oppressive regimes should welcome their new life of freedom on board a stationary plane on the runway at a military base.

“Frankly, if I was some sort of foreign johnny who’d got himself in a pickle with the local junta then I’d be jolly grateful to start a new life on an aeroplane,” said Sir Simon St. John Williams, MP for the small parish of Cock-and-Balls in Surrey.

“As I understand it, they’re not being persecuted by the flight crew, they’ve got a ready supply of nuts, and the entire series of Home Alone films available to watch at will.

“Tempted to go and join them myself! Get a bit of peace from the memsahib,” he laughed.

The new plan to house refugees on board a stationary plane was hastily drawn up after the Government’s initial plan to send them to Rwanda was ruled by a wide variety of legal experts to be ‘fucking stupid.’

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Refugees are each assigned their own seat that they can occupy for as long as they wish, a complimentary pair of headphones with unlimited use of the radio, and they are encouraged to turn one of the toilet cubicles into the place of worship of their choice.

Suggestions that refugees should be treated with kindness and decency continue to be ruled out by the Government as ‘bolshie nonsense.’