A die-hard Brexiter has today blamed his ruined underpants on a secret Remainer plot to deprive him of his underwear.
Derek Williams, a retired bench-warmer from Basingstoke, told us that he has had to throw out at least two pairs of underwear this week due to Remainers determined to stop him having full autonomy over his undergarments.
He told us, “If I was given the freedom I wanted – no, the freedom I voted for – then my underpants would remain pristine from dawn until dusk. The fact they do not remain so is not due to any unrealistic expectation on my part, but because Remainers are ruining everything.
“And before you say it, yes, I’ve heard it all before – ‘your desire for perpetually clean underwear is a fantasy not based in reality’, but that simply ignores the fact that it is the will of the people – well, me – that it be so.
“It’s my democratic right to underwear that remains clean, and the fact that they are regularly stained by an imperfectly wiped arse is obviously the work of hardcore Remainers who can not accept that they lost.
“They really need to get over it and leave my underpants alone.”