Thursday 9 June 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Boris announces series of exciting new policies that won’t happen


Boris makes range of policy pledges that won't happen

Boris Johnson has attempted to reset his leadership with a series of exciting policy announcements that will never happen.

The policies, which include pledges on housing, taxation, and the NHS, have been announced throughout the week and could begin not happening as early as July.

“Tremendously exciting,” said Lord Simon Williams, MP for the little village of Fanny-in-the-Batter, and die-hard supporter of the Prime Minister.

“If there’s one thing that this Prime Minister is consistently excellent at, it’s setting out a bold, exciting vision of the country that will never be realised.

“Frankly, these are some of the most impressive policies that won’t happen that I’ve yet seen from the PM. It’s very exciting. I look forward to discussing and promoting them in the coming weeks as if they are actual, real things that are going to happen.”

Eleanor Gay is a credulous simpleton, and is looking forward to seeing the results of this policy blitz.

“He’s such a good Prime Minister. All these things that he’s definitely going to do. It’s going to transform the country. I can’t wait. Good old Boris.”

Eleanor has been on a hospital waiting list since she was born and shares her social housing with a small family of rats.

It is expected that an extended programme of quietly dropping all the pledges, promises, and policies that Boris has made will begin on Monday.

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the mug here!

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