Monday 6 June 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Boris reportedly offering MPs ten pounds, some Rolos and a handjob in exchange for support


Boris Johnson vote of no confidence

Soon to be former Prime Minister is said to be frantically trying to drum up support in this evening’s confidence vote by offering colleagues ten pounds, some Rolos and a handjob.

Details are sketchy but it appears the ten pounds will be in the form of a book token, the Rolos are, generously, a sharer bag rather than just a tube and the handjob will be given by the PM himself in the toilet cubicle of the MP’s choice.

“It’s this sort of thing that marks out Boris as such a tremendous leading of men,” explained Sir Simon Cholmondley-Williams, MP for Upper Bottom in Wiltshire.

“I’d follow a chap anywhere for some cash, a handful of chocolate and one off the wrist.

“Tremendously good at it too is young Boris, careful to really look you in the eye while he’s doing it. There’s no doubt that when he’s lobbing you off he’s thinking only of your enjoyment.”

Other MPs, however, are not as enthusiastic as Sir Simon.

“Frankly, I’m getting a little bored with getting handjobs off the prime minister,” said a backbencher who preferred to remain anonymous.

“I first got one off hIm when he wanted to get his ridiculous Brexit deal through. Then another when he prorogued parliament. Then another at one of the lockdown parties because we were both a bit drunk. Frankly, the novelty’s warn off and it’s not going to be enough to win my support.”

One person who has declared his support as a result of the offer is Deputy PM Dominic Raab.

“Oh yes, I’ll support the PM now,” he said.

“I love Rolos.”

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