Forgiving nonces is OUR territory, screams angry Pope in call to Archbishop of Canterbury

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After the Archbishop of Canterbury called on people to forgive Prince Andrew, an angry Pope made an expletive-laden phone call explaining that the Church of England better steer clear of defending nonces.

The Pope told the Archbishop, “This is simply unacceptable, get your own revolting crime to overlook – the sexual abuse and exploitation of young people is Catholic territory, and if the Church England decides it suddenly wants to start turning a blind eye to this sort of thing, then there will be trouble.

“There are loads of hideous crimes you could make ‘yours’. Drug dealing, people trafficking, even contract killing if it’s about money – but sexually abusing young people is ours. Do you get it? OURS!”

“We Catholics have a long history of waging war against people we don’t like, so trust me, you do not want to get on our wrong side. There is a very good reason Vatican city is in Italy.”

Meanwhile, Church of England officials have insisted the Archbishop was not seeking to encroach on the Catholic church’s territory, but merely an example of public toadying to his boss.

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As one source told us, “People forget the Queen is the head of the church of England, so when the Archbishop comes out and asks for forgiveness for Prince Andrew, it’s not because of what he did, it’s because he’s the son of his boss.

“This was a case of the Archbishop demonstrating he’s a lickspittle more than anything else, so please, let everyone know at the Vatican that noncing around is absolutely still their domain.

“In fact, we can probably arrange Prince Andrew to convert, if that would help?”