In a move designed to appease out of touch voters who long for yesteryear, the government has announced that all future bullshit deliveries will be measured in imperial tons.
With imperial measurements being all the rage amongst disillusioned Brexit voters, the government is keen to harness their fondness for the long-since obsolete by pandering to them in appropriately measured amounts of bullshit.
A government spokesperson told us, “It’s all well and good lying to a Brexiter about any number of entirely fictional Brexit benefits, but when you can deliver that bullshit in imperial weights? That’s some erection-fodder right there.
“A ton of bullshit, a five pound bag of lies, or even just as six-ounce dollop of deceit. They will love every last gram. I mean, ounce.
“Imagine, bullshit designed to play to their ingrained biases so it bypasses all of their already-limited critical thinking ability, AND it’s delivered to them in imperial measures? This is a plan that simply can not fail.
“And if you think for one moment our MPs would be too media savvy to jump on the bandwagon and hail the return of pounds and ounces as some significant Brexit bonus, then I would simply say go and look at any interview that will be given by Mark Francois today.
“That man would celebrate the reintroduction of Betamax cassettes if he thought for one moment he could claim it was part of a Brexit bonanza.”
Based on an original idea by David Fuller