Friday 27 May 2022

Man seemingly determined to out himself as ignorant simpleton after posting chemtrail conspiracy theory


Chemtrails

A man has this morning decided to publicly out himself as a low-information simpleton by pointing at the sky and loudly shouting ‘chemtrails’.

Simon Williams, 45, has never been one for formal education, having spent most of his science classes at school melting plastic pens with a bunsen burner. However, he has decided that he is now an expert on the distribution of chemical and biological agents from passenger jets at 30,000 feet.

“They’re doing it to poison us, obviously,” said Williams in a completely unobvious explanation.

“Just look up, and there they are. Criss-crossing the sky, raining chemicals down on us to control us all. They want us all to be passive zombies so they can control everything. There is no other possible explanation for it.

Non moron and retired teacher, Derek Matthews, told us, “*Sigh*. The explanation is very simple. Hot humid air from the engine exhaust mixes with the colder surrounding air, causing the water vapour to condense into droplets or ice crystals that form visible ‘cloud’ trails. The rate at which these contrails dissipate is entirely dependent on the ambient weather conditions at 30,000 feet. If the air is extremely dry, they disappear quickly. If the atmosphere is near saturation, they can stay visible for quite a long time, at which point gullible morons will point at them from the ground and shout ‘chemtrails!’.

“This is all very basic physics, and if Simon had paid just a tiny bit of notice at school he would have understood this. But every class had a Simon, paid no attention in lessons but is now an expert on every conspiracy going. I bet you can name yours right now, right?

“Still, it is quite entertaining for the rest of us. Witnessing the unerring confidence of the perpetually ill-informed is one of life’s little pleasures for us non-morons.”

Finding the world a bit too complicated? Why not try conspiracy theories!

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