Friday 27 May 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Hedge fund manager planning to spend £400 energy grant on sweets


hedge fund manager on private jet

A hedge fund manager has declared himself delighted with the Government’s plans to give everyone a £400 energy grant and is planning to spend every penny of his grant on sweets.

“What a lovely little treat,” said Jeremy Bastard, who manages Bastard Capital Management

“I’m probably going to spend it all on sweets. Can you still get Curly-Wurlys? I loved Curly-Wurlys. I’m going to get myself a couple of hundred Curly-Wurlys and sit by the pool and scoff the lot.”

Everyone in the country will receive the £400 grant to help with energy bills in October.

“That’s right. Bills are going up or something,” said Mr Bastard.

“Sounds bad, but luckily I have someone who sorts all that out for me so I don’t really notice. Four hundred quid though. For free! I’m going to make sure I notice that.

“Actually, maybe Yorkies. The raison and biscuit flavour Yorkies. Now we’re talking. But, then with four hundred quid, I could buy Yorkies, Curly-Wurlys. Oh, and Kinder Surprise Eggs, because you get a little toy with them.”

It has been suggested that the £400 energy grant should be means-tested and only go to those who really need it. Mr Bastard was against the idea.

“No, if it only goes to certain people then that’s unfair on the rest of us, isn’t it? This way, we’re all being treated the same.

“Oh, Lion Bars!”

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