Prime minister Boris Johnson has update the ministerial code to remove all consequences for any minister breaking the rules, because of course he has.
Johnson made the change because, well, if he hadn’t it would have been just another thing encouraging him to resign.
After the change, Johnson told reporters, “I want my ministers to take responsibility for their actions, but to also have zero accountability, and to face zero consequences. I feel that if we remove that accountability or any trace of consequence, ministers will be much more forthcoming in taking responsibility for things that happen on their watch.
“Having sampled opinions within cabinet, the fear of consequences is the number one reason why ministers refuse to take responsibility for their failures and mideeds, and I am confident this change will fix that.
“Giving ministers the freedom to do whatever the fuck they like, safe in the knowledge they’ll keep their job no matter what, will transform this administration.”
Workers across the country have welcomed the change, and have expressed hope that the nation’s employment contracts will be updated to reflect the ‘new normal’.
Fork lift driver Simon William told us, “I quite like the idea of doing whatever the fuck I like, and not losing my job – but my foreman says he’s not keen on the idea.
“So I guess my question is ‘how do I move from this warehouse job to working as a government minister’? Because it sounds like an absolute piece of piss.”