You’ll take our guns over your cold, dead children, confirms NRA

author avatar by 10 months ago

American gun owners have this evening confirmed that their right to defend their homes from pretend enemies is far more important than other people’s real children.

As yet more students lie slowly cooling on school grounds, gun owners have agreed it is a tragedy, but not enough of a tragedy to actually make any changes that would achieve a meaningful reduction in the number of children being shot.

The United States is chock full of entire hypothetical enemies waiting to strike at any moment, and defending against the products of your own imagination is seen by many to outweigh the unfortunate side effect of regular massacres.

Statistically, any given American has a 0.00059% chance of being involved in a home invasion, but fighting off a horde of evil but not-very-competent criminals regularly features amongst popular masturbation fantasies.

Instead, they insist that all that is required to prevent mass shootings is ‘one good guy with a gun’, despite this not happening once in the last few thousand such events.

“I think we should do more to identify and help people with mental illness rather than blame guns,” firearm and onanism enthusiast Simon Williams told us.

“I mean, I’m not willing to pay any more tax or do any work in that area myself, but a solution which involves me not having to do anything at all seems ideal.”

“Any suggestion that I have to do anything is communism,” he added whilst meaningfully stroking his revolver.

The NRA has repeated their suggestion that armed marshals in schools would provide a solution, as nobody who might volunteer to carry firearms around children has ever been known to have issues of their own.