An elderly Catholic man has taken Mass for so many years that he must have eaten an entire Jesus Christ-worth of communion wafers, the Vatican have today confirmed.
Simon Williams, an assistant to the Pope, told press, “Although God sees everything, we in the Catholic church like to keep a close eye on our congregants; how often they come to confession, how often they come to mass, and how often they come in a sexual context.”
He went on, “We are therefore aware of an old man in Sicily who has had Mass so frequently that thanks to the miracle of transubstantiation – which is definitely true and not superstitious hogwash – means he has now consumed an entire Jesus.
“I guess this means he has ‘completed’ Catholicism? Who knows how this works, we just tend to make it up as we go along.”
According to reports, the man wished to remain anonymous, but did tell friends that he is just trying not to think of the wafers he consumed that must have formed the certain naughty parts of Christ’s body.