Monday 23 May 2022 by Arabin Patson

Government split on whether to use the Sue Gray report to distract from inflation catastrophe or vice-versa


MP confused by options

Sources inside Downing Street have confirmed a growing rift in Cabinet between those who want to use an astounding collapse of living standards in Tory Britain to distract from a report showing how Number 10 is full of incompetent drunks, and those that think the opposite.

Amanda Tinnock, special advisor to Dominic Raab, said that her camp was keen to put as much attention as possible on the Sue Gray report.

She explained, “Let’s be honest, anyone who voted for Boris knew they were basically putting an oversexed party-boy in Downing Street. But when people are seeing common staples become unaffordable, that’s when they start dreaming of change.

“Of course, the real fear is that someone will eventually connect the worst Covid death rate in Europe, massive embezzlement of public funds in the PPE rush and absolutely no planning for perfectly foreseeable price rises with the fact that we spent two years getting lashed and dancing.”

However the traditionalist wing, led by Jacob Rees-Mogg, believes that focusing on the natural conditions of working class people as hungry and destitute would be good to take attention from “the moral turpitude brought about by excessive use of the electric computer.”

Simon Despenser-Williams MP, a leading traditionalist, said the Sue Gray report could be damaging to the Tories’ narrative.

“The entire premise of our political existence is that, although we are a parasitic class of smug idlers, when something goes wrong, our natural leadership ability comes through. But partygate just shows that we remain red-trousered braying imbeciles in any context.

“And the lower orders secretly love inflation. They can swap cabbage soup recipes or make up songs about absent bananas.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the mug here!

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